Caught In the Middle

Flawed

Ashley Goetsch — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 02:56:51 +0000

After reading back through a few of my old posts, I have to say, I am impressed with some of the insightful snippets and bits of wisdom that show up every now and then in my writing. I’m not really sure where it comes from, because Lord knows in the midst of any kind of tough situation, or when it’s time to make a difficult decision, I can’t find an ounce of it anywhere in my head. I’m kind of ashamed to admit that I’m the person who has to bounce an idea off of everyone around me before I commit. I’ve never been a free-thinker; I need that validation from others. But not every decision can operate that way. Sometimes there’s no time for a three-way video chat with the besties before you have to make up your mind. Or maybe it’s a sensitive subject that you don’t want the world to know. I get such high anxiety in these situations because I’m terrified of making a wrong choice. I have a pretty significant track record of decisions that have had negative outcomes; at least enough to justify that fear in my mind. Whether it’s logical to anyone else or not really makes no difference. So there you have it.. a little insight into the workings of my mind. Indecisiveness: my greatest personality flaw.

After a While

Ashley Goetsch — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 22:56:20 +0000

I recently decided that I’m going to try to get some of my poems published. Last night I started editing and reworking some of the ones that I haven’t looked at in a few years. In the midst of all that I came across a passage that was really inspirational to me and helped me through a pretty rough time in my life. I thought I would share it with y’all today.

“After a While” – by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn’t always mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
You really are strong
You really do have worth
And you learn
And you learn
WIth every goodbye you learn.

“We’re intrepid. We carry on.”

Ashley Goetsch — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 05:39:22 +0000

That’s a quote from my favorite movie of all time (200 points to the first person to guess… hint: it’s co-stars have also played the roles of an elf and a redhead damsel in distress). I watched this film again this week for maybe the millionth time, and I still absolutely love it. Beyond it’s dry humor it’s actually incredibly deep. It speaks volumes about love, life, hitting rock bottom and learning to pick yourself up. It’s about finding strength inside yourself, finding joy in the small things in life… it’s about HOPE.

Hope is probably my favorite word in the English language. In any language really. Esperanza. Speranza. מקווה (pronounced tikva). L’espoir. It’s really quite a beautiful word in every language I looked into… except German (“Hoffnung” ha… but seriously, nothing sounds pretty in German). For kicks I looked up Webster’s definition of the word. I found pretty much what I expected to find…

hope [hohp] noun, verb, hoped, hop-ing
-noun
1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.
-verb
2. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

Neither of these definitions rocked my world at first glance. But then I noticed the word “reasonable“. Apparently the act of hoping requires reasonable confidence. I started thinking about all of the things I have hoped for in my life. Most days I hope for simple things.. health and safety for my family and friends, strength to make it through another day at work, favor in all of my endeavors. Reasonable. But there have been times when reason was abandoned. And there have been times when confidence was out of reach. When a person is at rock-bottom with no prospects, there is no reason to believe tomorrow will be better than today. Regardless of that person’s desires, the second requirement of hope by Webster’s definition is missing. Does this mean that hope is lost?

I think Webster misunderstood the power of hope. Hope is a force beyond reason and logic. It’s supernatural. Miracles happen because people continue to hope when the world says they shouldn’t. Hope is a life source for people who are otherwise helpless. Hope doesn’t need a reason. Hope is a reason. Dum spiro spero. “While I breathe, I hope.”

Carrying on without a reason except for hope itself requires courage. And no one truly understands what the means unless they have lived through something like that. I have been fortunate thus far and can’t say that I personally relate. But in my line of work I see people in this place every day, some more courageous than others, and from all different religious and spiritual backgrounds. I believe that this hope is something wired inside of each one of us. So the quote referenced in the title of this blog is about humanity. For whatever reason, or for no reason at all.. because of hope, we carry on.

Ashley Goetsch — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 02:05:32 +0000

Currently in the process of revamping this blog once again.

Regardless, Love Wins.

Ashley Goetsch — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 02:14:02 +0000

I just finished reading Love Wins by Rob Bell this evening. One of the things I’ve always loved about Rob Bell is the way he encourages people to engage in a discussion. He’s well known for being “controversial”, but that’s because he’s not afraid to ask big questions about topics that we as Christians are often taught to accept on faith. I’m not discounting the role that faith plays in Christianity… but neither do I believe that asking questions about the character and mysteries of God somehow makes one a weaker Christian. I love that Rob Bell encourages people to ask these questions and wrestle with their faith, because doing so brings it to life.

I’ve asked many of the questions addressed in this book myself. Questions like “What is heaven/hell like?” and “Just how long is eternity really?” I didn’t begin reading this book with the expectation that Mr. Bell would answer these questions for me. Of course I was interested to hear his opinions on the subject, and that’s exactly what I took away from this book. His opinions. Some more educated than others; some enlightening and some to be disregarded. But this isn’t going to be one of those blogs or reviews that points out every flaw in logic and theology the author makes, or lists every Biblical reference included in the text and explains how the author misinterpreted the original Hebrew/Greek translation. I’m not interested in all of that. I’m not a theologian. And I think that the people who spend their time criticizing in this way are missing the entire point.

I listened to Rob Bell speak about this book a few weeks ago at a book signing at Belmont University. He made an excellent observation that night.. he said that most Christians are very concerned about where people are going to end up when they die, but very few of them are concerned about the millions of people going to bed hungry tonight. In his book he repeatedly highlights the idea that Jesus’ entire 3 year ministry on this earth was dedicated to establishing the Kingdom of Heaven on earth now. Jesus’ ministry was about serving people; meeting people on their level and showing them God’s love. Somewhere along the line Christianity became more about growing church attendance than bringing heaven to earth the way that Jesus intended.

I’m going to rabbit trail a little here. I recently saw a post that someone was thinking of writing a rebuttal titled “Love Fails”. It may have been just for kicks, but this bothered me for a number of reasons. First of all, it reminded me how divided we are, when we should be united by our belief in Jesus Christ and his gospel. Secondly, love fails? Love saved us. Regardless of your beliefs on heaven and hell and the afterlife, the basis of the Christian faith is love. God sent His Son because of love. “And the greatest of these is love.” If there is anything uncontroversial about this book, it’s the title.

Circling back now… this was the point that I took away from this book: our focus has been misdirected. While we are busy debating theological matters that will not be revealed until Jesus comes back, many people are suffering in hell on earth NOW. I don’t know what heaven or hell will be like in the next life, but I see people in hell every day in this one. So instead of “What will heaven be like?”, the question I’m deciding to focus on now is “What can I do to bring a little piece of heaven to earth, today?”

The best self-help… Help someone else.

Ashley Goetsch — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 01:14:55 +0000

The quickest and best way to get out of a funk = do something for someone else. Get out of your mind and away from your own problems and invest in someone else’s life. Preferably someone who doesn’t have anyone else. I promise it’s the most rewarding use of your time, and much more productive than polishing off a pint of ice cream in front of the tv.

And let’s forget the self-help nonsense for a second. What a completely selfish concept anyways, we’ve got to quit being so self-absorbed. The meaning of life isn’t somewhere hidden deep inside of us. It’s not a secret we have to meditate for years to discover. The most meaningful thing any one of us can do is reach outside of ourselves and touch the life of someone else. Someone who’s broken and alone. Someone who can’t help himself.

Fulfilling Purpose = Pursuing Passion

Ashley Goetsch — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 03:22:51 +0000

I’ve been struggling for months with this horrible writer’s block. I don’t know what’s wrong, I used to love writing, but now every time I sit down nothing comes to mind to say. It’s been such a crazy year and so many exciting things have been going on; it seems silly that I can’t think of one topic to focus a blog post on. My mind is completely absorbed with wedding things 24 hours a day. Flowers, shoes, makeup, showers, dress fittings, and $$$. But it’s almost over. There’s a light at the end if the tunnel.

But tonight as I was prowling through countless wedding sites trying to get ideas for my guestbook and tie up some other loose ends, I started thinking about all the other things I used to love to do with my time that I’ve neglected in the past months. More than just months… This started well before the wedding was even on my radar. I think it was probably around my sophomore year of college.

I used to love to journal. I would write everyday, in a notebook or on a blog. Poetry, prose, letters to friends. I even started school as a journalism major. Writing was not only something I was good at, it was a passion.

I used to sing. Mostly in church, on the worship team, but I had other opportunities present themselves a few different times. I had a chance to use my talent in bigger ways, but I passed it up. And I haven’t really sang since. Not for people anyway.

I used to take thousands of pictures. I invested in a nice camera and took a few classes. I even had a few paid gigs here and there. I wanted to start doing shoots on the side, build a portfolio and see where it took me. But I never really felt like I was talented enough and slowly that passion too dwindled away.

So there it is. For a long time I’ve been wondering what was wrong with me; why I have felt so empty and void of purpose. But really I know the answer.
It’s because somewhere along the way I lost sight of my passions.

God doesn’t give talents out to be hidden away. Talents are our purpose. We are supposed to use them. And why wouldn’t we? They make us unique. I don’t think this is a problem most people in my generation deal with. Not in the YouTube, Reality TV, “I have to be famous” age we live in. Most people my age are dying to show the world what they can do. Something has been holding me back.

I don’t know why I felt like sharing this tonight. I think it was a much needed nudge from God to acknowledge the problem. In the parable of the talents (Matthew 25) the master gave each of his servants talents to take charge of and multiply while he was gone. When he returned, all of the servants had succeeded except for one. One of them buried the talents he was given because he was afraid of losing it. The master was furious with this servant because he did not fulfill his master’s purpose. So he took the talents from that servant and gave them to the servant who had obeyed the master’s request.

This epiphany of mine probably comes as a shock to no one. Passions are given to us to guide us in the direction of our purposes in this world. It’s common sense really, but I need to acknowledge it. I don’t think I’ll ever be truly happy until I start to live a life that is guided by passion. I don’t want to disappoint my Master.

“Stress: a socially acceptable form of mental illness.”

Ashley Goetsch — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 01:53:19 +0000

Today was my first full day, since I started back in February, actually working for my money. No more two hour lunches, no more relaxation, no more bubble. And it was rough. A little more rough than I anticipated… the level of tension in my neck and shoulders at 430 this afternoon was a tad bit ridiculous. I was completely uncomfortable with every move I made. My confidence in my ability to do the job was shaken all over the place; I’m not convinced that I did a single thing right all day long. I know this sounds like me being dramatic, but in all seriousness, it was BAD. But I survived, and I learned a lot if nothing else. Tomorrow will be easier, and the next day even more so. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I always expect to be a master at something the first time I try it, and that’s why I’m stressed all the time. Because it’s an unrealistic expectation. I don’t know why that’s so hard to wrap my mind around.

I have never handled stress very well. I have even had panic attacks on more than one occasion spurred by something as minor as a traffic jam. My blood pressure rises when I’m in crowded spaces, including restaurants on Saturday nights. In certain situations I just can’t handle it, but in others I can be really easy going. I have a feeling that this job is not going to be one of those situations. It’s definitely going to be a challenge, but I think I’m up to it. The past few jobs I’ve had have been essentially stress-free, so this is a wake-up call. It’s the real world now, and this is a real job that is going to require me to make some real adjustments. One of those adjustments is taking action to cope with stress in a healthy manner, instead of suppressing it. Today when I got home Rob & I worked out, did some P90X. The tension I had been carrying in my shoulders melted away. I love working out, and it really helps bring down the stress level. So that is one of my goals, getting back into a workout routine; it’s needed for my mental health as well as my physical. Plus I need to look good in my wedding dress. But that’s besides the point. Reading helps me relieve stress too. I love relaxing with a good book… I need to make more time for that. There are so many books piling up on my list of “Need To Read”, and I want to knock some of them off the list. So I think those are some good steps to making sure this job doesn’t cause me to have a nervous breakdown. And obviously, I need to work on the unrealistic expectations and understand that I DON’T have to be perfect at everything, that I WILL make mistakes (probably a lot of them at first), and that it’s OKAY to ask for help.

Ahava

Ashley Goetsch — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 02:10:55 +0000

It’s been a year since I made that life-changing trip across the ocean. I can’t believe how quickly the time has flown. I can still smell the marketplace and taste the saltiness of the Dead Sea. I can still see the faces of the Bedouin people in my mind. I remember climbing Masada like it was just yesterday, and the view from the top that took my breath away. In Israel everything about my life made sense. It was almost like blinders were removed from my eyes.. I found peace and understanding about a lot of things that had been eating away at me for a long time. For those few weeks in Israel God allowed me to see myself and my life from His perspective. And it was absolutely overwhelming. Never in my life have I felt such beautiful, fulfilling, unconditional love. It overflows from every single river and from underneath every rock. Even in the barren desert, there’s no escaping it. Nothing compares and word’s can’t describe. Ahava means “love” in Hebrew. I feel like the sound of that one word somehow encompasses every emotion that I’ve been trying to convey. No one truly understands what I’m talking about unless they’ve experienced it for themselves, because it’s unlike anything else in the world. To anyone else it’s absurd to think that such a strong feeling of connection can be made to a foreign land in such a brief period of time. It’s absurd to feel homesick for a place with a language you can’t speak and a culture you don’t fully understand. It doesn’t make sense to step off a plane in a country you’ve never been before and feel like you’re returning home. No, it doesn’t make sense. Israel stole a piece of my heart last year, a big piece, but I’m pretty okay with it. I think it was supposed to have been there all along.

Curve-Balls

Ashley Goetsch — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 03:59:53 +0000

I am not really a fan of spontaneity. It’s fun sometimes, but typically I like to have things planned out so that I can mentally prepare for what I need to do. REALITY CHECK: That’s not how the real world works! I found this out today… Last night I had a lot of plans for this up-coming week… I was going to get an oil change, go grocery shopping, buy some new shoes, run other miscellaneous errands, work on the menu for the wedding, and then go home on wednesday to hang out with my family for a few days before starting work next week. Plus mom & I had planned on going to David’s Bridal on Thursday to dress shop, since she works on the weekends. But one phone call changed all of that… apparently my training class started today and they told me the wrong date. So I was awakened at 9:00 this morning by HR apologizing for the mistake and requesting that I come in as soon as possible. At first I was really upset… I was looking forward to getting away for a few days and taking care of my to-do list before starting 40 hour weeks. My plans got rocked, so I just had to adjust. I guess there’s no point to fighting it, but this is something I need to work on. I expect everything to go my way and if something happens I think its a personal attack, like the world is conspiring against me. Ridiculous, I know, but this is how I think. I need to lighten up a little and make room for curve balls in my life. I’d be much happier and a lot less stressed.